


Spoon Of Revenge, The

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-04
Updated: 2003-10-04
Packaged: 2019-04-27 06:17:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14419401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: 'Dana Scully giggling?  With delight?  It would never do.  There would be riots.'





	Spoon Of Revenge, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

 

Spoon Of Revenge, The

## Spoon Of Revenge, The

### by Lakticia

Title: The Spoon Of Revenge  
Author: Lakticia  


Disclaimer: I don't own this stuff  
Archive: Yes to Ephemeral and Gossamer, anywhere else please ask first  
Date finished: 25 July 2003  
Category: V H  
Keywords: M/S UST  
Rated: PG for language  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Title says it all - pure fluff! 

Thanks to: Vicky, a brilliant beta despite not even being a 'phile :P 

Feedback: I'm very new to fanfic writing - comments, especially constructive criticism, would be very gratefully received and soon answered. 

  * The Spoon Of Revenge -=* by Lakticia 



"What do you expect from a guy who was born on Friday the 13th?" 

Gleefully Mulder watched as his partner, previously in the full flow of Scully Rage, stopped short and furrowed her brow. 

"You were born on Friday the 13th?" 

He nodded proudly, like a schoolboy praised by his peers for creating the biggest mess at lunchtime. 

"October 13th, 1961," he affirmed. "Explains a lot, doesn't it?" 

She stood facing him with her hands on her hips and eyed him keenly. 

"Don't change the subject." 

"I wasn't changing the subject." 

"You were! You were about to explain to me-" 

"That was _not_ changing the subject!" he interrupted, deeply affronted. He jumped out of his chair and took a step towards her. "That was a _witty remark_. Changing the _subject_ would have been, 'Hey Scully, how many mammals with three legs do you know of', or, 'Listen, how about we take this weekend and reorganise the filing system in here', or..." 

He trailed off as Scully assumed her full rage and gave him The Look. 

Slowly his features transformed from defiant to whipped. 

Scully began, low and threatening. "I have been on my feet, doing autopsies of exhumed bodies, for NINE HOURS today for this new case. And now, you tell me that you've suddenly found out that your HUNCH-" her voice rose to a yell- "was CORRECT, and the results of the autopsies are **_IRRELEVANT_?!"**

"We- well of course they're not _irrelevant_ , I- I mean, it'll be useful as, as deep background information, when we, when we come to write the re-p-ort..." his voice wavered on the last word as The Look rose to Mach 3 levels. Did she use this look with anyone else? Why weren't more people dead? 

"... When... _I_ come to write the report," he amended weakly. 

She glared. 

He bit his lip, pondered for a moment, then threw up his hands in surrender. 

"Fine! Okay! Actually," he exclaimed, moving to behind his desk and sitting down, "I just needed you to be out of the office today because I was... um... buying you... a.. surprise present." 

She folded her arms, brought her expression all the way down to calmly sceptical and raised an eyebrow. 

".... On.... Ebay. A..." he cleared his throat as she inclined her head forward questioningly. "... very competitive auction. I, uh, kept having to revisit the website to increase my bid, and, um, then I won, so, so I had to pay, and, um, arrange to pick it up..." Why? Why was he still talking? Why didn't he just pull out his gun and shoot himself? 

"What did you buy?" she asked, each syllable spoken calm and clear. 

He raised his eyebrows. "What did I...? Um..." Staring at her, he opened his desk drawer and scrabbled desperately inside. Magazines.... nooooooo way. Engagement ring... probably not the best time. This angry, she'd only tell him to shove it. In fact, she wouldn't tell him - she'd _do_ it. What else? A spoon. 

A spoon? 

A spoon. 

All he had in his desk drawer were porn magazines, something he'd bought once when drunk, and a spoon. 

Oh well. 

He pulled the utensil out of the drawer and presented it to Scully with a flourish. "It's an antique." 

Somewhere inside he knew he must look like a pet dog who had brought in a dead rat for its master's approval. He plastered a winning smile onto his face. 

Scully smiled charmingly back at him and advanced slowly. Hope and fear appeared simultaneously on his face. She leaned forward over the desk, delicately took the spoon from his fingers, and thwacked it on his forehead. 

"Ow!" he whimpered, clutching a hand to his forehead instantly. " _Scully_!" 

She had not grown up with two brothers for nothing. She pulled his hand away from his brow with one hand and thwacked him again with the other. 

"Aii!" Mulder yelped like a girl. 

She leaned back and folded her arms, looking momentarily satisfied. 

He made his best puppy dog face and started gently massaging his forehead with the tips of his long fingers. "Scully, you _know_ that's really painful. Don't you remember when we were in that diner that time in Colorado Springs and I did that to you and you said it really hu..." 

Oh. Shit. His eyes widened with renewed terror and the shame of his own stupidity, as she tilted her head to the side and made a sarcastic show of trying to remember. 

"Ohhhh, _yeah_. I _do_ remember that!" 

Thwack! 

She leaned forward and tapped the spoon to his forehead again and again, somehow managing to grab his hands away at the same time, and Mulder found himself whimpering and trying to assume a foetal position whilst remaining seated. 

Then suddenly he heard a very peculiar sound. It had sounded... no, it couldn't have been. It had sounded like... Scully giggling with delight. 

Dana Scully giggling? With delight? It would never do. There would be riots. 

At that moment Mulder realised he was no longer under attack. Hesitantly he turned his head and saw her standing ramrod straight, arms folded, looking down at him with disdain. 

Cautiously he sat up straight and faced her. He noticed a tic of embarrassment on her face. A sly grin appeared in his eyes and instantly Scully gave him that particular brand of The Look which meant 'You dare tease me and I will cut off your testicles'. 

He schooled his expression into humble attention. 

"Apologise," she commanded. 

"I'm sorry," he said instantly. 

"For what?" 

He was nervous. Not an answer he wanted to get wrong. "Everything I've ever done to you. Ever." 

She nodded imperiously. He half expected her to say, 'That will suffice'. 

He rubbed his forehead again, then folded his arms and shot her another reproachful, puppy-dog look. 

"Well, that's what you get for messing with someone who was born on Sunday the 23rd," she informed him. 

He furrowed his brow. "What's so special about that date?" 

"Absolutely nothing. Which is exactly as much as is special about the date Friday the 13th." 

He rolled his eyes. She raised the spoon threateningly. He cowered. 

This seemed to make her relent, and she put the spoon down on the desk as a gesture of goodwill. He sighed with relief and relaxed. 

"Sorry if I hurt you, Mulder. I just can't believe all the crap you put me through today." 

"Well," he smiled, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands behind his head. "What do you expect from a guy who was b-" 

This time she punched him. 

* * *

Did it make you smile? Could it have been better? I'd love to know.   
  


#### If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Lakticia


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